Mammoth Complex, Part Two: Liposuction 101
Erica J., Age 12, Grade Eight. Alas I don’t have a ton of footage from this era and so I’ve nipped another photo from grad where I gave a breathless valedictorian speech.
For my liposuction speech, I don’t remember doing much research beyond watching a few illicit episodes of Entertainment Tonight. Here’s the whole thing:
Liposuction and Beautifying Methods
By Erica J. Schmidt, February 1998 (age 12)
All around the world, women aren't satisfied with their appearances. They feel that their noses are too big, their bottoms jiggle when they walk, and their ears stick out too much. Every morning, thousands of women despair in front of the mirror because they don't believe that they are what society considers as "beautiful."
Of course, we all say that "There's more to life than being attractive" and "beauty is found within" but you have to admit, we don't really listen to that.
Women will do almost anything they possibly can do to improve their appearances. And people will do almost anything they possibly can do to make money. Which is why all these silly "beautifying methods" that I am going to talk to you about today, were invented.
Alright, let's pretend that I am a person with incredibly low self-esteem. Not just a person who looks in the mirror and says, "Oh, I'm ugly," but a person who looks in the mirror and says, "OH, I'M UGLY," and does this wah, wah, sniff, sniff, kind of routine and gets totally out of control. This lady needs help.
Or, perhaps she doesn't really. Perhaps she's actually quite lovely looking. She just doesn't think that and for her to be put out of her distress, she needs help.
So, let's start with the head. What's wrong with this woman? Well, for starters, around her eyes-the doorway to the soul—puffiness. Totally de-enhances any beauty. But what can we do? Some women spend nearly 2000 dollars on a surgery that reduces puffiness. What these women don't know is that this surgery can be cheaply replaced by hemorrhoid cream. Yes. A little under the eyes and the puffiness will vanish. This hemorrhoid cream also saves a lot of pain since after you apply it you are able to close your eyes unlike after the surgery.
So we have the eyes fixed up but her eyes aren't her only problem. It's a fact of life that with age comes wrinkles and sagging skin. And we can't have that. We wouldn't want a fifty-year-old looking any more than thirty now would we?
For many years, various creams have helped control wrinkles but new technology has brought a cream that actually lifts the skin on your face. There are pictures of women with saggy skin that you could find on any woman walking down the street and after using this cream for only six months, her skin seemed to perk up and there went the sag. And would we doubt these pictures? Of course not. But some women don't just want to lift their sagging skin, they want to dispose of it. For these women, we can recommend liposuction where they cut open your face, stick the tweezers in and pull out all the fat.
And for those of us who don't like the shape of our faces to begin with, we have plastic surgery where they stick the knife in and kind of rearrange things under there.
These two methods work like a charm! The only problem is that if you survive these procedures without any major complications or deaths, five to ten years later, your face starts to flop and you have to spend 4500 more dollars to have the surgery redone.
So this beauty thing is kind of pricey and the woman has only taken care of her head. Her breasts still aren't large enough, her tummy sticks out in an appalling way and her bottom and inner thighs are covered with cellulite and jiggle after the simplest movements.
Sure, she could use corsets, bottom lifters and padded brassieres but perhaps this woman would like to know that what she has down there is all her own.
A breast implant is over a thousand dollars and if you want them both done, which is more than likely, you're paying double that.
Various types of liposuction and plastic surgery for removing extra unwanted fat can cost from 1000 dollars to 7000 dollars. And if you are willing to pay these amounts, you could end up with a completely flawless body that not even the executive manager of the Seventeen magazine could complain about.
However, after spending all this money on perfecting your image, you may have trouble affording any decent clothes.
And although without any clothes on, your body still may be quite attractive, I don't believe that those around you would appreciate it quite as much if it were overly exposed.
Which leaves you, all liposuctioned up with nowhere to go!
End of Speech
First prize went to Claire Banerd, who did her speech on Jelly Bellies and all their flavours. These were all the rage in 1998, up there with Hanson. I came in second. I can still remember the judges’ puzzled faces at the back of the Stewart School gym.
End of Part Two
Last relic of Grade Eight, Age 12, 1998
Previous Segments:
Intro: Grade Eight Part One: Tiny and Adorable
Next and Final Segment: Part Three: Bombshells
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