Painting Boundaries with Bean Nunnerley
CONTENT WARNING: Suicidal ideation and a suicide attempt. Please see time stamps below.
Bean Nunnerley is an artist, massage therapist, self-taught, builder, mother, swimmer, and long-time singer in the Montréal women’s choir Choeur Maha. I met Bean at a birthday weekend at her exquisite DIY island cottage. I knew she’d be the perfect guest when, during an unbridled discussion about boundaries, Bean asked me, “What colour are yours?” In this wholehearted episode, we dive into boundaries, mental health, and what it’s like to get diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 49. Other highlights include:
Bean’s unconventional love story with her partner and the father of her children, and what “doing the work” looks like after 24 years.
How to tap into just enough capitalism to meet your needs, but to tap out before hoarding and greed set in.
Bean’s recent mental health “breakdown,” and the beautiful healing journey that followed. We talk about the perils of long-term weed use, plus the reality of ADHD, neurodivergence, perimenopause, and Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), and how painting, meds, hormones, radical self-care, community, and other resources can help. And don’t worry, we won’t tell you to start meditating. Or do yoga.
A harrowing listener question from “Jerk Wife,” who cheated while her wife was pregnant with their second child. Eight years later, should she disclose? Is it okay to keep corresponding with her former lover? Is she really a jerk? Erica and Bean can’t fix it, but they have thoughts.
It’s an important conversation and Bean was so generous with sharing her story. I hope that this episode brings you healing, insight, and hope; HOWEVER, I must also include a crucial content warning. In addition to general mental health struggles, we get into darker spaces like suicidal ideation and a suicide attempt. If these topics feel risky for you, please take note of the following time stamps and consider skipping the heavier sections. If you are struggling, please do not delay reaching out to a friend, crisis line, or mental health service. Your life is of supreme importance. You will not always feel like you feel today. Take the next right step. I’m so proud of you.
Trigger Warning Time Stamps
28:30 - Bean describes her “nervous breakdown” that began during the beginning of the pandemic. She talks about her panic disorder and panic attacks. Mention of suicidal ideation comes up at 31:23.
31:52 - Bean talks about her long-term weed addiction and how that went downhill.
34:21- Bean’s last joint, Trigger warning: Suicide Attempt (34:48-36:00)
Beyond 36:00, we move onto the aftermath of the crisis, along with care and solutions.
This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life has been created for love and entertainment purposes and it is not meant as a substitute for medical advice. Please do not diagnose yourself with ADHD based on this or any other podcast. Please do not experiments with meds and mind-altering substances without the support of a medical practitioner. Thank you for taking care of you.
Thank you, Bean for your candour, courage, humour, and vulnerability.
Bean’s annual “Beanie Alley” artwork sale is coming up this summer. Follow Bean and her beautiful artwork on Instagram: @beannunnerley
Painting Boundaries with Bean
Tiny Karaoke Segment: Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Israel Kamakawiwoʻole version
Mixing, Ukulele, and Cover Art by Erica J. Schmidt in Montréal, Quebec
Special thanks to Taes Leavitt (darling big sister, Big Heart Journey), Sherwin Tjia (technical and creative advisor, Sherwin’s Quirky Events), and my dearly departed Eileen Gun, whose generous gift helped to fund my new podcast equipment. Thank you so much for listening! Stay tuned for more episodes extra soon. Don't forget to follow This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life on your favourite podcast platform. And if you enjoyed the episode, I would be immensely grateful if you could share it with a friend and/or leave a kind and enthusiastic rating and review.
This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life is brought to you by Lil and Bud dog cards, purchasable at ericajschmidt.com/merch. If you would like to sponsor the podcast, I would love to plug your product, service, or project as long as it doesn’t harm any people or their bodies. Please get in touch via my website or Instagram.
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You can also write to Erica with a listener question.
Today’s Listener Question from Jerk Wife
Dear Erica (and Bean),
I am a 44-year-old woman and my wife and I have been married for 13 years. All is relatively okay. We have two school-aged children, two dogs, and a lovely home. We love each other and we’re a good team. What’s eating at me inside is, eight years ago, I cheated on my partner while she was pregnant with our second child, and continued the emotional affair for years afterwards.
My wife did the IVF and childbearing. We had an easier time conceiving than many couples and both pregnancies were super smooth. While we were waiting for the first baby, we even had a ton of sex. But once our first kid was born, our intimate life tanked. I went back to work first, since I wasn’t breastfeeding and my job pays better. Every time I came home, I felt like my wife was in this little cocoon with the baby. It seemed like sex in all forms was suddenly off the table. I feel like a jerk but I felt really rejected. When I’d try to help out with the baby and chores, nothing was up to my wife’s standards and she took out a lot of her stress onto me, often yelling and snapping. Instead of rising above this, I started to shut down.
Skip to five months before our second child was born, and I met this enchanting woman at a work event. She asked me the last time I’d felt alive and I couldn’t remember. But I knew I felt alive right then. We started emailing back and forth and before long, we were sleeping together every couple of weeks. I felt pretty guilty but I did it anyways. While the sex mainly stopped when our child was born, we slipped into bed a handful of times and we kept texting and emailing for four years. My wife and I had started to get along better and we even had sex a few times but I still felt lonely in our marriage. Though I always loved my wife and never wanted to leave my family, the texts and emails gave me a sense of excitement and possibility that I couldn’t easily get in my life with my wife and kids. Eventually my lover wanted to call off all contact and I respected that.
Meanwhile, my wife and I renovated a new home that we love, my wife landed a job she enjoys, and we just added two ridiculously adorable dogs to our family. The spark’s not amazing, but we do love each other. I’ve never told my wife about the affair, and I’m wondering if I should. To make matters more complicated, my former lover has started to appear at the same regular conference my company sends me to. The first time we ran into each other we just said hi. Before long we were back to emailing, but usually just the week before we see each other. I think my former lover and I know we aren’t going to take things further than emails. Is that really terrible? Could it be okay to correspond as friends? We haven’t had sex for over five years. I love my wife and want to make my family work. Does that mean I have to tell her the truth? Please help.
Love, Jerk Wife
