Alexia and Erica Can’t Fix It. But We Have Thoughts.

Written By Erica J. Schmidt

And we’re breaking the hiatus with a riveting all-advice episode, featuring the wildly adored storyteller, Alexia Côté.

  • My fiancé agreed to pay for our wedding ring but now he wants out of this month’s rent.

  • I use too many pillows and my husband left the bedroom. Three months, later our marriage has totally imploded.

  • I’m a sad failed artist mom, supporting my family single-handedly. Meanwhile, my husband sits on the couch and commissions art he likes better than mine.  

Alexia and Erica can’t fix it—but we have thoughts!

Welcome back to This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life. May you enjoy this all-listener question episode with Alexia. Since she last came on the pod (on Episode 10), Alexia has embarked on some exciting life changes. Listen in to hear all about it. And be sure to follow @sidealexia to stay on top of her fabulous news.

Also, scroll down to read today’s listener questions from the For Richer or Poorer, This All Started Because I Used Too Many Pillows, and Sad Failed Artist Mom. Apple listeners may need to check out this post on Erica’s website for the full versions of these small essays.

Half-Bad Ukulele Segment: Until I Found You by Stephen Sanchez, dedicated to Alexia’s beloved Antoine for whom she is an excellent influence.

Loving Shout-Outs

Mixing, Ukulele, and Cover Art by Erica J. Schmidt in Montréal, Quebec.

Follow Erica on Facebook or Instagram or check out her website at ericajschmidt.com. You can also make her day by sending her a listener question to any of these places.

Listener Question from For Richer or Poorer

Dear Erica (and Alexia),

My boyfriend and I are 33. At long last, we picked out an engagement ring and he said, “Since I’m buying it can I get out of paying you rent this month?”

Is this fair? The ring we picked out is slightly under the budget we’ve been discussing for the ring this whole time. He lives with me and pays me rent each month that takes care of 80% of the mortgage. Our mortgage is cheap and I contribute to most of the expenditures including our condo fee, all of other bills (internet, gas, electricity, water, streaming services) and groceries. So, everything is more or less split 50/50. The ring costs $3K. At one point, I offered to pay for half and he refused. I do make substantially more money than him but he has quite a bit more in savings than I do because he sold his house to move in with me and made a decent profit. Am I being greedy and unreasonable? Or should I just buy the ring myself and ask myself to marry me?

Love, For Richer or Poorer

Listener Question from This All Started Because I Used Too Many Pillows 

Dear Erica (and Alexia),

I am 26 and my husband is 27. We have been married for 7 years, and together for a total of 11 years. We have always been happy with each other, and I love my husband with everything in me. But recently, he has been complaining that I use too many blankets and he gets too hot. Also, I snuggle him too much, I use too many pillows, I go to bed too early/too late (it changes), and more stuff like that. So, I promised him I would go to bed when he did, I would use only one pillow and one blanket, and I wouldn’t cuddle with him anymore. He didn’t think that was good enough and now he is refusing to sleep in the same bed as me. He sleeps in our guest room while I sleep alone. This has been going on for almost three months, and we haven’t had sex a single time. He’s never complained about our sex life, he’s just been refusing. He tells me things like “if we aren’t in the same bed why would we have sex?” And stuff like that. I have a high sex drive and so does he. Early into our marriage we would have sex about three times a week. But that’s not what I’m complaining about. I miss my husband. Ever since he started sleeping away from me, he has barely spoken to me. He gets up at 6am every day, leaves at 8am, and gets back home between 7 and 8pm. His job hours are 9-5. I don’t know where he is going. I feel unwanted.

Recently my female friend got divorced. She is 26. She couldn’t afford her house so I let her move in with me. I’ve known her since she we were both two. Now she does have her own room but she is having the same problem as me. She feels lonely and unwanted. So, we sleep in the same bed every night. We don’t have sex, we just cuddle. Now I will admit sometimes I give her small kisses on the forehead and she does the same to me, but my love language is touch, so if I can’t touch my husband I’ll need someone else to kiss. I’ve never touched her lips once, we’ve never done anything more than goodnight kisses on the cheek or forehead. We have been snuggling together for about 3 weeks now and my husband is pissed. He told my whole (homophobic) family that I kicked him out of our bedroom so I could sleep with a girl. I just need advice and to know if I’m in the wrong for snuggling with someone else. My husband is yelling at me almost every night now. He has thrown stuff and even broken plates. One night, I made him a fancy dinner so we could  talk and catch up. He took the plate I made for him and threw it on the ground, creating a big mess. Yes, he pays the bills while my friend doesn’t pay for anything. She is too depressed. My whole family hates me now. So does his family and so does he. The only person I have left is my friend, and honestly she’s not enough. I feel unwanted and lost. My husband called me a “h0e ass b*tch who doesn’t know how to keep my hands out of women’s pants.”

Love, This All Started Because I Used Too Many Pillows

Listener Question from Sad Failed Artist Mom 

Dear Erica (and Alexia),

I was that kid who was always drawing. It was an important part of my identity and probably the thing I was naturally best at. But all I ever heard was “artists starve.” I pursued other schooling and only ever treated my art like a hobby.

Fast forward to adulthood and I’m married with a decent job that earns more money than my husband who stays home with our kid. I’m also pregnant with our second child and focused on how to make that work in our tiny home.

As it happens, over the course of our relationship, my spouse has become a big fan of art. He commissions work regularly, spending my hard-earned cash on art I wish I was making. This hurts. One time I suggested that maybe I could do a piece for him, and he admitted that he doesn’t really like my style.

Yesterday, he came to me thrilled that he was entering into business with his family. It’s going to be art commissioning and he already got his favourite artist to create the logo. Meanwhile, I’m sitting on the couch, pregnant and tired with our grumpy toddler and I just can’t be happy for him. It feels like he gets the best of all the worlds since as soon as I come home, he hands off our kid to me so that he can get a break and connect with his friends and hobbies.

I just feel so defeated, and like there’s no space for my life and passions. I wonder about putting my foot down and quitting my job after the next baby? It’s so painful that the person I love supports other artists but not me.

All I really want to do is set fire to that one painting I made for him years ago. Maybe I should just get rid of all my paintings.  I feel like I’ve lost myself in adult responsibilities and there’s so little that brings me joy anymore. Should I just give up on art entirely and keep my nose to the ground until the kids move out and I can collect my pension? I’d love to hear your thoughts. 

Love, Sad Failed Artist Mom

Thank you as always to Taes Leavitt (darling big sister, Big Heart Journey), Sherwin Tjia (technical and creative advisor, Sherwin’s Quirky Events), and my dearly departed aunt Eileen Gun, whose generous gift helped to fund my new podcast equipment. Thank you so much for listening! Stay tuned for more episodes extra soon. Don’t forget to follow This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life on your favourite podcast platform. And if you enjoyed the episode, I would be immensely grateful if you could share it with a friend and/or leave a kind and enthusiastic rating and review.

This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life is brought to you by Lil and Bud dog cards, purchasable at ericajschmidt.com/merch. If you would like to sponsor the podcast, I would love to plug your product, service, or project as long as it doesn’t harm any people or their bodies. Please get in touch via my website or Instagram.

Erica J. Schmidt
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