Caroline and Erica Can’t Fix It. But We Have Thoughts

“My crush is drooling all over my hot BFF.” “My boss took advantage of me during my internship.” “I ran into my toxic friend on the sidewalk and didn't say the right thing.” Caroline and Erica can’t fix it. But we have thoughts.

Welcome to our first ever all-listener question episode. Chiming in with her sage advice is the elegant and eloquent Caroline. Caroline is known for her reasonable decisions and excellent sense. She has her YouTube PhD in attachment trauma, toxic relationships, and facial yoga. Every week, Caroline reads a self-help book and shares what she learns with her grateful gal pals at Pizza Night. Caroline is impeccably qualified to solve our poor listeners’ dilemmas. And she prefers to remain relatively anonymous so we have represented her here with this splendid, contemplative flamingo. (Caroline’s on the left and Erica’s on the right.)

Content Warning: Mention of sexual assault in the workplace and verbal and emotional abuse. But Caroline’s soothing wisdom and compassion might be just the thing.

Ann Lamott’s Bird by Bird may also be quite soothing.

Scroll down to read today’s listener questions from the Ugly Duckling, Picked From the Slosh Pile, and Standing In the Sidewalk in the Rain Talking About the Weather. Apple listeners may need to check out this post on Erica’s website for the full versions of these small essays.

Ukulele Segment: One Fine Day, written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King. Dear Carole King, my deepest apologies for suggesting that you did a cover of your own song! It was originally performed by the Chiffons.

Follow Erica on Facebook or Instagram or check out her generously personal essays at ericajschmidt.com. You can also make her day by sending her a listener question to any of these places.

Listener Question From the Ugly Duckling

Dear Erica (and Caroline),

I am 39 and seven years sober. A month ago, I met this charming and funny dude at a recovery meeting. We both seemed to love stand-up comedy, nature videos, and storage solutions. And since he has been sober for a solid four years, I figured it was an okay idea to let myself have a crush on him. We went out for coffee a couple of times, and it was lovely, but he told me he still had feelings for his last girlfriend, and had come to the conclusion that he wasn’t yet ready to date. We agreed to be friends.

He’s new to town and randomly, we ended up at the same event. I was there with my best friend who happens to be a total knockout. When me and my crush first ran into each other, she was in the bathroom. He and I chatted and enjoyed our regular banter. Then my best friend appeared and it was like suddenly, I didn’t exist. He complimented her on her hair and her outfit, and became totally transfixed. My friend has a boyfriend and she tried to deflect his advances but he didn’t get the hint. Like I get that my friend is gorgeous, but it seemed really rude of him to just ignore me.

We’ve all ended up at the same events a couple of times, and it’s the same thing. He drools all over my friend and even though my friend has said she’s not interested, he exerts his monopolizing presence to build an impenetrable bubble around the two of them. But it’s a little confusing because sometimes the dude will also flirt with me. Like, at one party, there was dancing, and he grinded his leg up against me but then when he learned that my friend was in the house, he danced me across the floor so that he’d be the first one to ask her to dance at the next song. All this has proved to be terrible for my self-esteem. I feel like I am a reasonable level of attractive, but now I’m starting to wonder if I need to sign up for movie star teeth and Botox and new hair. I want to stay friendly with this dude and I don’t want to resent my best friend for being beautiful. And yet, I am starting to really dread the dynamic that arises when the three of us hang out together. How can I fix this?

Love the Ugly Duckling

Listener Question from Picked from the Slosh Pile

Dear Erica (and Caroline),

Last summer I was an intern at my dream company. There was this big party with an open bar and I got drunk. A bunch of my other co-workers said I was getting messy and that I should be cut off. But instead, my boss ended up inviting me and my fellow female intern to another bar.

I remember going to the bar and drinking more, and I’m not sure how, but suddenly my boss and I were at the bar alone. I can’t remember who made the first move, or how we decided to go to my apartment. But as soon as we walked in, he chucked his pants. You can imagine exactly what happened.

I don't know if what he did was assault, but he definitely took advantage of me. I feel like it was all my fault for drinking so much and I feel so stupid.

Before he left, my boss asked, “So what are you doing tomorrow night?” I told him I was hanging out with my intern friends. He said, “Oooor, you could hang out with me instead.” He was clearly flirting. I said no but the whole situation makes me feel extremely gross and humiliated.

Luckily, the internship was virtual, so I barely had to see the guy in person. I kept my video off during Zoom calls because I didn’t want him to see me.

Skip to the end of my awkward internship, and they’ve offered me a full-time job with this creepy guy as my boss. I’ve always wanted to work here but now I don’t know what to do. We’re going back to hybrid soon, so I won’t be able to avoid seeing him in person.

This feels like a very bad start to what was supposed to be my dream career. Should I tell HR? I don’t know if that would do anything, or if they’d just end up giving me the boot. I could apply to work in other departments but that could take months or years.

I don't know how to deal with this. Any advice would be appreciated.

Love, Picked from the Slosh Pile

Listener Question from Standing on the Sidewalk in the Rain Talking About the Weather

Dear Erica (and Caroline),

I am an aspiring singer who earns her living as a public servant. Over the pandemic I hung out incessantly with an older man I’ll call my Bubble Buddy. We were both single at the time but he did not seem available due to health reasons and a fresh divorce. Though I did not fall in love with him, we became inseparable and I became attached. At first it was a dream but within a few months, BB started to criticize and belittle me. Though this started out subtle, he soon became volatile and cruel, and I spent my life walking on eggshells. I couldn’t sleep. I stopped singing, and no longer enjoyed any of my favourite things. My friends and my therapist all agreed that my Bubble Buddy had crossed a line into emotional abuse.  Though I pride myself on never walking away from people, after a painful and dramatic showdown, I had to end the friendship. 

I’ve been able to maintain no contact for more than a year. I still miss my Bubble Buddy every day, but overall, life has gotten better. I’m back to sleeping through the night and I am singing and posting my work online. I’m writing because for the first time last weekend, I ran into my Bubble Buddy on the way to the grocery store. My Bubble Buddy took his headphones out and asked me how I was. I said fine, but I couldn’t think of anything to say except, “It’s raining.” “It is raining,” BB replied. “Your hair looks nice. Enjoy the day." I feel so stupid for not having been able to talk about anything besides the weather. I keep thinking that maybe he’ll reach out and I can ask regular questions and seem like an intelligent and articulate human being. But I know he won’t write to me. And I feel like I lost my one fleeting chance to connect. I know I’m overthinking this. But I can’t stop thinking about it. Any thoughts? 

Love, Standing on the Sidewalk in the Rain, Talking about the Weather

Thank you as always to Taes Leavitt (darling big sister, Big Heart Journey), Sherwin Tjia (technical and creative advisor, Sherwin’s Quirky Events), and my dearly departed aunt Eileen Gun, whose generous gift helped to fund my new podcast equipment. Thank you so much for listening! Stay tuned for more episodes extra soon. Don’t forget to follow This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life on your favourite podcast platform. And if you enjoyed the episode, I would be immensely grateful if you could share it with a friend and/or leave a kind and enthusiastic rating and review.

This Is Your Strange and Beautiful Life is brought to you by Lil and Bud dog cards, purchasable at ericajschmidt.com/merch. If you would like to sponsor the podcast, I would love to plug your product, service, or project as long as it doesn’t harm any people or their bodies. Please get in touch via my website or Instagram.